Foster and Inner Child Parenting

Last week I came across a quote that went something like, "Be grateful for your triggers. They reveal where you are not free."

That struck right at the center of a truth I had just experienced during a particular moment that was especially challenging at week 3 of parenting our 12 year old foster-adopt son, Alix.

The moment was this. Sam was working at home, I had a therapy/support group meeting, and Alix was having some screen time on his switch. Alix could spend all day on his switch if we let him, so it seemed to be a moment in time where everyone was in their happy place, all needs being met.

About 20 minutes into my group, Alix calls to me that something spooked him and he's scared and doesn't want to be alone. Can he come into my room where I'm having my session and play on his switch with his head phones on?

Of course, I mean especially with all he's been through in his young life, he didn't need to be scared and alone now. He actually confided in me what had scared him too, which was major, so of course he could come and be close to me.

I tried continuing my group with him in the room, but after the 3rd interruption, it became clear this arrangement wasn't going to work, and I needed to get off my call.

The trigger came in like fire. My adult self knew I needed to simply be there for my boy, but the small child in me burst into tears. "What about what I need?" The little girl inside me who had at one time felt neglected herself, felt like her needs didn't matter, like her needs wouldn't get met, was so triggered.

As I hung up my call and sat in the bedroom across from my now happy and content 12 year old foster child on his switch, adult Yiska and young neglected Yiska went on a journey of healing.

I could empathize with how hard it can feel to have to give something up in a moment, even when your mind knows it's the right thing. I was able to offer young neglected Yiska the attention she really needed. I sat at the desk next to Alix with my journal and wrote down everything on my mind, all the things I had just been about to share in my group before it got cut short. I told young Yiska when we could make more time for her later.

The trigger pointed to a very unfree young Yiska, who thought she needed a very specific thing to feel cared for, when in truth, she just needed to know her feelings and needs mattered.

3 weeks into full time foster parenting and parallel inner child re-parenting are in full swing over here!

What about you? Any triggers pointing to your potential freedom? Need support? Feel free to reach out.

Photo credit: Dana Veraldi