Postpartum and the People-Pleaser

I love my clients! Sometimes they drop the most amazing wisdom and insight that not only helps me see something in myself more clearly, but also reveals something so significant and common that I just have to share.

This one particular client of mine is newly postpartum and she is absolutely in love with motherhood. She, at least for the moment, has no desire to be living her pre-baby life. No desire for parties or a late night out at the club. Instead she is beyond content to spend her late nights snuggling up with her baby and breastfeeding. The joy of spending time with her new snuggle bunny is wholly intoxicating, all-consuming and exactly where she wants to be, un-showered and all. The role of mother fits like a glove.

Then there’s everyone else. To her best friend, I mean the baby is cute and all, but what happened to her friend? To her partner, who is also madly in love with his baby, the feelings are more complicated. To him, where did his partner go? He misses the woman who used to prefer a night at the bar. The other day when her breasts were out to feed the baby, he lamented that he missed “his boobs”. To which she retorted, “you mean, MY boobs”! 

Here’s the thing, I don’t judge or begrudge anyone their feelings and experience. But this conversation with my client made me recognize this same experience within myself and just how common it is for those of us with people pleasing and care-taking tendencies to take on the burden of others’ feelings.

I myself have been carrying around guilt because I can’t be available like I’ve always been for my friends since we’ve taken in our new foster child. Like postpartum, it is all-consuming. 

I don’t have the space to talk or be there for them during this chapter and I can feel their disappointment. I can feel their missing me, even their dashed hopes of wanting to be there for ME! When I am able to carve out the time to share the hard parts, I can feel their concern and sometimes judgment for what I’ve taken on. 

I think this guilt is common for many of us who lean more care-taking and people-pleasing. Who if we had the bandwidth would do whatever we could to be there all the time, for everyone. Who’d give anything to avoid anyone's disappointment and misunderstanding. 

But during postpartum, the bandwidth is just not there.  

Which is actually the blessing. Because it affords us the opportunity to actually break the pattern. Where we have to say no (not only because we want to, but also because we just can’t), and we are forced to face the others’ disappointment, their potential judgment and not understanding. It is an opportunity to allow them to have their feelings without changing ourselves. It allows us the chance to free ourselves from that burden and “mother” the young parts of ourselves who are left feeling threatened by how others may react to our boundaries and truth.

For the partners and friends it is also an opportunity to sit with and manage our own feelings so we’re not adding to our loved ones burden. Yes it is hard to lose a friend, or part of a friend or partner, or sibling or daughter, even if only temporarily. But where else could we take the equivalent of “our  boobs” sentiments? 

Nowadays many folks are writing and speaking about how to be there for people you love during postpartum. To avoid offering support that adds to their mental load. How much better it is to take the initiative to drop off food and groceries or send the gift card, rather than asking broadly if there’s “anything you need”.  

This conversation with my client made me think of how we can be more aware and better care for each other on this emotional level during postpartum as well. Perhaps we swap out the "how are you?" text for something that doesn't require a response, like, "thinking of you and sending love". With our food deliveries we could start adding notes that say something to the effect of understanding how all consuming postpartum is, that we are here for them on the other side, no matter how long that takes.

What do you think? I hope this helps all of us take better care for ourselves and our loved ones during postpartum and whenever life changes our capacity to be present for life as usual.